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Fertile rockbottom - Counselling and More, Tanja Smeets

Fertile rockbottom

Our new car!
Fertile ground.

What a cascade of events every day/hour/minute! Most of these events happen invisibly; in my ‘self’(whatever that is).
Last blog I decided that it was my turn to follow and Eric’s turn to start trusting his inner guidance system (and not lean on mine) and ‘lead’. Things instantly went better after this realisation.
But the pattern of this last week has been;

Insight - things pick up - next insight due but not yet there - things slow down - insight finally breaks through - things instantly pick up.
And the only way to handle this craziness, has been to accept the times when things go up shit creek (which is probably another insight). No shortage of insights, I can tell you.

To give an example:
I dislike the fact that we are moving from Airbnb to Airbnb. And ‘dislike’ is putting it mildly. It costs a lot of money AND it makes me feel completely unsettled. We are not exactly living from one small suitcase. If you could see us move, you would laugh. We have 10 large suitcases, 5 small suitcases and 5 laptop bags. And since we started accumulating again, we also have some bags with food and other stuff extra (like a printer).
When we had rented this tiny car (because cabs became a little too expensive) we had to drive all our stuff, our kids and ourselves in 3 go’s to another Airbnb-1 hour drive away- in the heat. Just to give an idea.

After we bought the car we were so happy! Problem number one was solved. The next priority was to get some peace by renting long term. But we couldn’t find a single thing that was affordable and nice and would fit us all. We searched further and further out of the area.
I could see the end of the next Airbnb term approaching and wondered why. Why wasn’t it going easier? And why, on top of this, did every other possible thing go wrong again as well? Like; waiting for hours to get the car, losing the way, hurting ourselves, being too late to be able to do necessary shopping, sleeping bad, exhaustion, almost crashing the car, too late to bring the rental car back, couldn’t reach the rental car company to ask if this was a problem, etc.

So I was lying in bed one night again, awake between 1 and 4 (my favourite time to worry, apparently) thinking about this.
I felt kind of desperate (nothing new, lately).
So I sat up and started meditating, since I wasn’t getting anywhere this way. And for the first time in a long, long time, I felt some connection with my ‘self’ again.
Rockbottom is always a very fertile ground. Lots of shit there. Anything will grow.
Not that I could have a clear conversation with that part in me (like I used to), but I got some images and feelings that pointed me in the right direction. And when it is the right direction, you sort of ‘know’ (not always btw). It felt good however.
What came up was the following; we –Nikki, JF and us- had this plan. But they were in Granada and we were more than an hour away, somewhere on the coast. We lost the connection between us quite often. And I knew that this connection was important, if we were ever going to get anywhere together. So why were we not connecting like that?
I can only look at ‘me’ in this, because I can only guess to the reasons that could play for the others.

Insight 1; I don’t have a goal of my own, so I am just trotting along. I realize that there is nothing wrong with that, but that I do need some sort of an internal goal. Pim brought me on this insight the day before, talking through skype. And it was still there; smouldering. So I looked at it and wondered; what is my next goal? What makes me happy?
And there it was: I am afraid to commit to something again. The disappointment from Ecuador, the midwifery misery. I lost some faith in ‘me’ and in my life.
I saw how this fear blocked me from moving further. I felt tears (I even feel them now, while writing this) when I saw how I stopped having any goal after midwifery. As if I had died then. As if all there is now, is this shadow of what I could be.
When I saw it, I could also see the next step. And the next step was; confront this fear of commitment to a new goal.
And when I confronted this fear I could see past that again and saw the internal goal that was waiting for me. Quietly waiting in the shadows, for me to be ready.
My internal goal is to live something new. Something I haven’t lived before. Something my ancestors haven’t lived before. Something that doesn’t exist yet.

Insight 2; Nikki was already talking about this in Ecuador; she wanted to do something really new. And sometimes she could even sense it. As if she could almost taste it or smell it. But she couldn’t quite grab it. Images came in her mind’s eye, but were hard to explain. Even to herself.
So I realised that she was similar to my internal goal; waiting silently for me to get to this point.
I could feel how she had been waiting.

Insight 3; We needed to commit to each other, the 4 of us, and we needed to get closer together in the physical world as well. Living in closer proximity.
After these insights, I finally fell asleep. In the morning I contacted them and made sure we could meet that day. We talked and we made a big step toward each other in that day.
And, as usual, things started flowing again. They also really wanted to commit and get closer together. We even discussed how we could make this happen.
JF is looking at land on a daily basis now and so are we. It looks like it will not be long, before we can move onto a land instead of being nomads.
This was only one example of an insight. They keep coming…

Last weekend Eric and I went to a valley close by. It was a hot and sunny day as usual.
I discovered this area accidently, while looking for land. I bumped onto a video of a couple, who had moved from Britain to Spain 20 years ago. They were telling, on camera, how they were living. The thing that made me so happy, was that people came to that area naturally. And slowly the area got filled with people from all over the world and hippies from different generations. They bought a piece of land, or a house, or just camped somewhere. They created free schools for their kids. They made sure there were 4 organic stores in the tiny town.
Suddenly he mentioned a midwifery school that started there, 5 yrs ago. I thought; would this be the school I had heard about some weeks back?
Someone I know, Nienke, a doula from the Netherlands, wrote on her facebook page that she was going to a holistic midwifery school in Spain, to study there. So I wrote her a message and yes, she was there. In that same community.

What an experience to go there! All along the river, people were camping. Older people, younger people, in huts, tents and caravans. The place that was part of the midwifery school was free to stay on, for students and teachers. But over the years people had come and gone and some had stayed. Even if they were no longer students or teachers. Other people moved into the town to live in a house, instead of in a tent.
It is all situated in a beautiful valley. When Nienke showed us around -meanwhile breastfeeding her youngest- I was quite impressed. There was a true communal spirit. Everyone was helping each other and helping to sort out the community grounds (fixing things, building things, painting things).
The school consists of outside places to sit and of a beautiful temple. I was instantly invited to join a woman’s circle on Friday (which I will definitely do).
When we were looking at the place where the woman’s circle would be, I could see the beautiful, lush land of the people from the you tube video I saw before.

It crossed my mind that we could maybe even ask if we could live there. We could save money this way and I could do some teaching at the school. But later I realised that it was not the direction I needed to take if I wanted to buy land with Nikki and JF.
However; I am very happy to have seen this. And who knows what might come out of joining the woman’s circle on Friday?
The midwifery school/temple. Beautiful!
(And Eric's new phone keeps mentioning itsself on the pictures ;-) )
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